It was a bright night, the kind that deludes you with the beauty of a full moon. Everything looked so serene and the nocturnal critters went on with their musical number. I was still upset from the fight or was it an argument? I’ll bet he would call it an argument. I was angry because he didn’t understand what upset me so. It wasn’t that I needed to be right; I just wanted him to know the implication of what he was talking about from my perspective. I needed him to understand that in my world, if you trust someone, you give them your life and hold nothing back. In his world things are a little different,” protect yourself first from everything to protect the ones you hold dear.”
It would sound so wonderful if I didn’t feel like there was a part of him being kept from me, forbidden and inaccessible to me. And so I rushed away from him seeking a bit of space to process the logic behind his belief. The fastest way from him was on a boda boda. I didn’t in fact process anything, I just played a thousand scenarios that would cause him to need protection from me his…you see I was going to say best friend but I don’t think it applies if there is a tiny part of him that says to him,” she could be a witch!” It made me feel so stupid!! Of course I hail from a world where Cinderella will always get the prince and the beast will always find Belle while he hails from a world where science is fact and fairytales are nothing more than fiction.
So I tortured myself with thoughts of betrayal and endless fighting that would inevitably increase the already wide berth between us. At the end of every one of those scenarios I thought, “Then what?” I think that’s when the universe thought to intervene.
One second time was moving normally and next thing I knew I was caught up in a time lapse. I calmly assessed what was happening and it took me over 5 seconds to determine that I was in the middle of an ongoing road accident. My first thought was, “Oh my God am going to die!” There were no flash backs of my brief life and I felt no compulsion to pray for mercy at the end of my road. I was just scared! So I held my breath the entire time. I watched the entire scene unfold through an out of body experience. The boda boda skidded across the road and the rider trying his best to control the machine got pulled by weight of it and fell on top of it as it continued to gain more distance. My first instinct was to get off the thing and so I put my right foot down, the force of it threw me in middle of the high way with all the speeding cars and boda bodas.
I didn’t look into road to see my impending death come at me, instead I stayed on the ground where I stupidly waited for it, I thought, “What’s the point of trying? Am already gone!” It would have been funny if I wasn’t at the end of my road. I’ve always told people how much I fight for what I want and yet there I was wanting life and not having the strength to fight for it. After a painfully long number of seconds gone by, I got up and walked to the side walk and scanned the area for the boda boda rider. At first he looked dead and then suddenly jumped to his feet to stagger for some balance. He was shaken up. It was visible from facial expression.
I looked calm, like nothing happened. I felt like the stuff of horror movies; that demented character that always emerges unscathed from every attack. I watched him breathing heavily as he withdrew into the swamp beyond the side walk where I imagine he believed he would be safer. A bunch of men had come up to us to try and help us.Tthey helped me get another boda boda that took me home. Haha now I know what you are thinking, “How could she get another one right after what happened?” In case you missed it, I said I was stupid somewhere up there.
So I mounted my new boda boda, Plugged in my headsets and turned on my music player just so I could listen to random sounds. I needed to hear something, anything. Then I texted him, “I guess the universe agrees with you, just got into an accident with my boda.” He obvious called to see if I was okay, I ignored his call because I already knew what he would be saying. I got home and walked to my room. It was a normal night for everyone. I had missed calls from my boss, my siblings were asleep and the house was quiet. Nothing out of the ordinary!
He called again to make sure I was okay, “Of course am fine,” is what I kept telling him. I’d emerged from the accident with only bruises. They hurt like hell the moment it hit me that I almost died. I told no one else but part of me, the extremely extra super dumb part kept hoping that someone felt the hiccup of the night. Nothing! No one noticed, not even my mum who had come into my room to get the socks my little sister had left there when playing earlier in the day, no one. I guess that’s when I started to wonder what the world without me would be like. He wouldn’t have to protect himself from me anymore, my boss wouldn’t have someone to be upset with and my family would be definitely smaller. And I, well I felt alone.
You want to know something crazy? I wanted to feel something specific, importance! I just wanted to feel important to someone. I wanted to know someone out there would be paralyzed by the fear of losing me, everything else felt so empty. All I felt was fear. I felt fear on so many different levels; I kept seeing the boda boda rider in my room and random people lying on my bed. I was jittery the entire night and I couldn’t even sleep because I kept thinking, “What if this isn’t the end and something else is coming for me?” Eventually I convinced myself that sleeping would make everything better so I got myself some painkillers and forced myself to bed.
I was now afraid of death. I was afraid that my life was meaningless. I was afraid that my parents would scold me if they found out instead of comforting me. I was afraid that I didn’t matter!
What came in the morning threw me off guard. My mild bruises still throbbed which made me wonder if they were as mild as I thought. I went through my morning routine, cleaning my room and preparing myself for Sunday mass. When I was ready, I pulled out my laptop to work on a few things before service and found myself staring at a blank white page. First came the smiling, then I giggled a little and then suddenly I was in tears. I cried for a whole hour before the last sob shook me. I had survived death with nothing but a few bruises and yet instead of being grateful that I was alive, all I felt was a load of fear. And anger that I was afraid.
When I was done, I put it all on the page because I needed to tell someone and I didn’t know who. So you see Soteria, You were created to listen to my testimony but oddly I don’t feel any better. I wanted someone to hold me but they would need to know am not okay. I need someone to hold my hand and say,” peace will come” But the ghost of the boda boda rider keeps popping up everywhere.
I survived death Soteria but a part of me feels a little dead.
I survived death!